I am sitting here on my couch with tears in my eyes after writing that statement. I’d like to think of myself as a cool, calm, and collected individual, but the truth is...I’m just not. Little things set me off and I tend to be dramatic. I’m a short person with probably a shorter fuse. I was honestly a little thrown off that I was led to write on this particular subject. Knowing that writing is a weak spot for me, my husband was intrigued that I volunteered to write a blog. He asked me what it was that made me decide to write. Coming from a place of insecurity, I only “heard” what I wanted to hear. I assumed the worst of him, didn’t fully listen, and snapped back with an ugly response. I was definitely easily angered. My reaction later made me think of the verse in James that compares the tongue to a spark that can set a forest ablaze. 

That is exactly how things play out when I don’t follow in the way the Lord intended. I fail to see that God knows and desires the best for me - that His ways are for my benefit.  Had I really listened to what my husband was saying, I would have realized that he was only proud of my obedience. How many times has my judgement been so clouded that I didn’t fully hear? How many times have I been quick to become angry with my friends or my spouse? How many times have I been quick to become angry with God? What if all this sudden anger has caused me to miss out on something so beautiful because I failed to follow in God’s example? Often our anger stems from resentment, bitterness, or otherwise hurt feelings. Most of the time, we get angry because we are keeping records of others’ wrongdoings and our pride fuels our anger. God is our ultimate example; He is not easily angered and He keeps no record of the sins of His children. 

“If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence serve you.” Psalm 130:3-4 

“Love keeps no records of wrongs.”

My husband and I have always been the type of people who love to put ourselves out there - shake some hands, smile at some faces, and make new friends. We always felt like God wanted us to “bridge the gap” so to speak and draw others together in unity. I used to think I would always be that way, but sadly, we experienced many hurts during the course of our relationship, and in our relationships with friends at church. So much relational pain over time can really close a person off, making it hard to open up again. This hurt tempted us to be easily angered and to keep records of wrongs.

It all started not long before I met my husband, where I found myself in a weird place spiritually. I had been crushed by a relationship that put me on a path filled with debauchery. God never left me in my mess, but I was back-and-forth with Him. I did still have a desire within me to walk with God, but the people who were supposed to be my brothers and sisters in Christ were causing me to stumble. I had to remove myself in order to break the cycle I was in. That is where I believe my “record-keeping” problems began.

When we first got married, things got worse. My husband and I married pretty quickly and we didn’t have a lot of support, if I am being honest. We already had to cut some ties with people due to some unhealthy relationships, but then a lot of people backed away just because they weren’t in agreement with our union.

As the years went on, we started noticing unsettling things going on in the church we attended. We brought up the issues only to be dismissed in the end. We decided it was best to leave. Once we left, we began church-hopping. We wrestled for 6 years to figure out what we wanted out of church. Obviously, we wanted to grow spiritually and serve God’s Kingdom, but we also desired to find a community of believers to do life with. But no matter how many times we put ourselves out there, people would push us away or distance themselves from us. At first, this back and forth just made us really sad, but over time, that sadness turned into resentment. We became bitter and hurt to the point we stopped desiring to be around people altogether. We began to hold on to those wrongs from past, failed friendships and used them as excuses to shield ourselves from being around other people. Sadly, most of these hurts took place at church, where we were supposed to feel safe and at home with other believers. I think if it was outside the church, maybe we wouldn’t have been so hurt. But these were people with whom we worshipped God, read the Bible, and prayed.

I believe a lot of people forget what church really is. Church is made out to be an institution or even a business instead of a group of believers. And because of this, many have viewed us negatively when we left the particular church where we met them. It was like we were being shunned because we didn’t agree with the direction of the church even though there were many people there whom we loved. While my husband and I were church hopping, we ran into many issues. Sometimes, it was simply that there were so many people that it was hard to connect; but other times, it was due to twisted, misinterpretations of the gospel. Whatever the reason, we never desired to lose friends who were supposed to be brothers and sisters along the way. Honestly, as I look back, I could have done more to preserve those now-lost relationships.  After much prayer and careful consideration, we left our home church that we attended for years and nobody even seemed to notice. Because we had issues with some things going on at the church, some friends tossed us aside. Many made it very clear they were disappointed in us. The sting of this church experience built up further resentment, and it became hard to let things go. We began to notice patterns in every church we attended from then on. We could never connect; we never felt like we belonged.

I wish I could say that things have improved in the area of making friends. It is still difficult for us to open up about certain topics due to past hurts. But, I am confident over time that will get better. However, I will say that forgiveness is key in order to move forward in life. Forgiveness is the way that the anger is defused; forgiveness is how we forget past offenses.  While we still have not perfected this, I am encouraged by Paul’s words:

“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14 

 So how does anyone let go of repeated past hurts, especially when those hurts are from the church? How do we all let go of our record-keeping, our anger, and resentment?  

For us, we have resolved to trust God in all areas of our life, because He knows the desires of our hearts and He is faithful to provide what we need. He commands us to forgive and let go of past hurts, because He has forgiven us and doesn’t remember ours. Once we let go and let God have His way in our hearts, He will heal us of our past hurts and move us forward, in His perfect timing, in His perfect ways.   A healed heart isn’t easily angered, and a forgiving heart keeps no record of wrongs.

 So what about you?  Have you had experiences with friends, or family, or the church that have hurt you, and the pain doesn’t seem to go away?  Are you tempted towards bitterness and unforgiveness, keeping a record of wrongs? Do you struggle with anger? You aren’t alone. And you are so loved.

 My prayer for you is that you allow God to fill you with compassion for the person or people who have wronged you. That you will remember that God is able to heal all wounds and make all things new. I pray you remember that we all fall short and God still loves them just as he loves you and sent his son Jesus for us all. I also pray that you will be inspired to be the friend somebody may desperately need. For we all are battling some type of struggle or sin and could use a brother or sister who encourages us, accepts us, and walks through life with us. And "above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8

Krystal Gillespie