I fully believe that God gave my parents to me for a reason. That my absolutely perfect Father knew I needed these particular imperfect, earthly parents. My parents were not planning on having me but once they found out I was on the way they tried to make it work, and that lasted for about thirteen years. I remember sitting in the backseat of my Dad’s truck heading home for the last time, knowing things were really about to change, silently crying my eyes out and praying. I remember telling God that I did not know what was coming but that I could feel it would all be hard and that I wanted Him to come into my heart. That I needed Him to be with me because my future without Him looked impossible….

 After my parents divorced, I lived with my mom bouncing from place to place until I moved out when I turned eighteen. My mom was already addicted to pain killers when my parents split up but it began to just spiral completely out of control as the years went by. We were always really close and once I moved out, my mom went off the rails completely. She chose to miss my wedding, and my brother’s wedding, she missed the birth of my first son and she still has not even met my youngest two sweet boys. She has a history of skipping out so quickly that she even leaves the running shoes behind.  The most recent time and the longest period of silence started about four years ago. She just left, no note or text. No call, no nothing. Once I found out why she had left I called and texted until her phone was no longer connected. After that I started with the emails. Hundreds of emails sent for four years without any reply. All of them asking her to come back, asking her why, asking her if she ever cared, looking at my babies and crying while typing emails telling her of my love for them, sending her updates, telling her of our Fathers love, telling her that I loved her, sending songs that I had prayed over her and explaining why these songs were important.

I had to cling to Romans 12:12

 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer”

 I waited and waited on a response, subconsciously I had lost any expectation of a response. Looking back I can clearly see God was changing my heart to reflect His heart with every step. (Love is patient, love is kind). I looked over my shoulder so many times through those beginning years at church after sending her an email begging her to just show up, no questions asked. I eventually was given peace that the emails were His way of reaching out to my mom through me. That maybe I would never get a response but chose to remain faithful, to remain as that constant for her.

 But at the beginning I didn’t feel this way.  I was hurt, I was questioning, I was angry. I would pray that God would just do something. Just for Him to make it alright. For Him to protect her and others around her. Now looking back on my own wayward times and going through these past four years of reaching out to my mom, I have seen that He does things that only can be done in the waiting.

 He has proven to be steadfast and patient in His great love. He has changed and molded my heart in ways that could only be done in the waiting. Patience is growing with anticipation that He is doing something so great that it needs more than a moment. It is not just something that was slapped together and can be torn down just as fast. It is something that takes time to create, that can not be dismantled easily. That is more beautiful because of the waiting.

 The Lord has shown me how patient He is when He stood by me through all of my lost and confused years and how patient He is with me still. How patient and kind He is with my mom. He has always been patient and consistent. He waited on me and still waits. I can just see Him as my loving Dad looking over His shoulder smiling (Love is patient, Love is kind) with that knowing look in His eye at me as I walk along behind Him.  I see anticipation in His eyes as He patiently leads me around the next corner. He is so kind.

 Kindness is being tender towards others.  So many people believe that my mom is a lost cause, that there is no hope. But guess what? God does not think so. He changed me. He also gave me a promise. He told me a few years ago during one of those Sunday morning worship, praying, crying sessions that my mom  is His daughter, and as much as I want her back in my life, He wants her back more. . He sat with me during terrible times when I was alone and broken. He wrapped His Daddy arms around me and said, “I am here, I love you, I am never leaving” so many times. I was constantly searching to fill a void that could only be filled by Him if only I would turn towards Him. He was patient with me and showed me unwavering kindness throughout my lost years. He is doing the same for my mom, and my boys, and all of us.

 I’m not angry or hurt when I reach out to my mom anymore. I just want her to be happy and healthy. To be a part of the greater family.  To know This Love.

 Roman 2:4  “or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance”?

 As I was rocking my youngest little man to sleep one afternoon I opened my email in stunned silence as I read those three words I wanted to hear for so long… I love you… She sent me an email back finally. He is such a good Daddy! I mean, this is raw kindness! He has given me compassion for my mom in the waiting. And answered my prayer. 

How does that not portray a deep, satisfying love that can only come from a perfect Father in such an imperfect world?

2 Peter 3: 9  “The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

When asked if I could consider writing this blog my friend said, "when I thought of patience and kindness I said, Callie Maliskas!" When he said that the stunned silence hit for a second again and I just smiled and said, "because He showed it to me first." 

-Callie Maliskas