Sometimes I wonder if I am really a Christian at all. I wonder if I know Jesus, or if I am just really good at acting like I do. What is salvation but simply a relationship? I wonder if I have been so focused on producing the evidence that I have missed the person. Is this not the definition of a Pharisee? The more I pray, the more my eyes are opened to the quiet methods and clever ruses of the enemy. In Mark 12, the Pharisees are stealing from widows and crying out for attention in the streets. That isn’t me. I am a mom of 3 who goes to church and prays and tithes. I am a nice person. I am giving and kind. I couldn’t be a Pharisee, could I?

The Pharisees are not judged for their actions, but for their heart; they loved what was given more than The One who had given it. They love the law of the Lord instead of the Lord himself until they are lulled into a religion that has no relationship. The enemy takes what is good - the law of the Lord - and elevates it to sit on a throne that it wasn’t made for. This is his secret way: to take what the Lord gives, and to speak into our flesh a gross manipulation of that truth. We begin to elevate what was made to bow low and keep in the dark what was made for the light. Salvation is one thing and one thing only: a relationship with the triune God. Yet our flesh begs for something more palpable, more visible, and so we replace relationship with religion. We replace knowing God with doing Godly things because we can see it and we can control it. We stand on the principles that seem good and seem Godly. Did the Pharisees not do exactly that?

If I am a Christian defined by something other than sitting in the presence of the Lord, then my salvation is dead.

Salvation is NOT morality.

Salvation is NOT obedience.

Salvation is NOT knowledge.

Salvation is NOT wisdom.

Salvation is NOT gifting.

Through salvation all these things are given to us, they are the glorious byproducts of our relationship with Him. Yet HE is to be elevated over all of these things. When we desire what He gives more than who He is, we lose our sight. We justify our life, and we call it saved because it is moral, knowledgeable, wise, and obedient. Jesus spoke to me a harsh truth: if you can produce it with human effort, it’s not salvation. I can be wise, and give good advice. I can be moral and know right from wrong. I can know the bible cover to cover, and I can be gifted in many things. There is nothing on that list that distinguishes me from a follower of any other religion. Without Jesus, without His presence in these things, they are just things. They can make me feel good, sound good, and look good, but they cannot save my soul.

This is what the enemy does. Instead of a straight-up lie he gives us a half-truth that we want to hear. He speaks in Christian lingo just enough to shift our focus so that we spend our time producing instead of submitting. He turns our devotion inward to ourselves when it should be upward to our God. 

Morality: Our relationship with Jesus draws us to goodness and puts in us a distaste for evil. When our desire for good is focused outwardly, we see where others fall short. Instead of an inward compass that points us always to Jesus, we have an outward pointed finger that condemns and criticizes. When we are in step with Jesus, we cannot tolerate sin. But this is an intolerance toward our own sin, not the sins of others. The Holy Spirit is given to bring us to repentance, not to bring others to repentance.

Obedience: In relationship with Jesus, we obey because he tells us to. Not because it makes sense, not because it will yield a desirable result, and not because we are “good” if we obey. We know that right standing with God is given to us freely, with the full knowledge of our disobedience and rebellion. When we elevate obedience we make salvation conditional, and we have only two paths to take from there: the shame of our disobedience or the pride of our perceived obedience.

Knowledge: Being in Jesus’s presence is the revelation of all knowledge. Scripture is his presence, breathed into words. Without the Spirit, the word is dead; without relationship, our knowledge is just a trophy. The serpent said if you eat of this tree your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing everything. The enemy tempts us with knowledge because knowledge creates independence. If we can know all things, see all things, and reveal all things, we have become our own God. The knowledge of God is an eternal mystery not to frustrate or scare us, but to woo us into dependence on the only one who is all-knowing.  Trusting God when you can’t see is based on believing that He knows what you don’t, and that in His knowledge, He will guide you.

Wisdom: the soundness of action in applying knowledge. We live in a world with wisdom all its own: self-help, affirmations, mantras. Worldly wisdom is developed without regard to Christ and with a singular goal: to make sense of the senseless. Wisdom apart from relationship with Christ is a desire to present yourself as attractive to the world. Inward-focused wisdom makes me look wise and gives me fine-sounding advice while upward focused wisdom prunes and purifies me in places that are unseen. Upward-focused wisdom allows the Holy Spirit to illuminate God’s word in a way that sanctifies my heart and draws me closer to Him.

Giftings: Spending time with Jesus produces gifts, refines those gifts, and prompts them to be used. When synchronized with the Holy Spirit, the gifts are the overflow of His presence. When used, they glorify God. The desiring of gifts above the giver focuses the attention on my accomplishments and my talents. Spiritual gifts are not talents to be boasted in, but charges to be acted upon. When I desire acknowledgment - when I want my gifts to be seen and heard - I want one thing to grow: ME. The gifts given by the Spirit in relationship with God have the growth of only one thing in mind: His Kingdom. Focused inward, my gifts are for me. Focused upward, my gifts are for Him.

The light of God shines so brightly, His goodness is so good, and His holiness is so Holy that when we look at Him, His brightness can illuminate our inadequacies. His presence - a relationship with him - is revelatory, and the revelation is the same as that of Isaiah: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts.” (Isaiah 6:5) The closer we get to the light, the more obvious it is that we will never arrive. We will never be enough, say enough, or do enough to achieve that holiness. 

So what do I do? I run from Him to save face. I run away out of fear that He will bring to light the things I have hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of my heart (1 Cor. 4:5). And if He does that—if He takes those things away—if He strips me of the products I’ve manufactured and I am just left with the Maker—how will I handle what I see? If I can’t hide behind the wisdom or the knowledge, if I can’t get by with just being a good person, if I can’t earn it - then how can I accept it?

The light is here to show me that the ground where I am standing is about to fall from beneath my feet. He takes it all out of the dark to expose it. These pet sins that I have look a lot like salvation and this constant striving is not His will for me.

Brothers and Sisters, consider why He has brought the world to a crashing halt. This virus, so small it can’t even be seen with the human eye, has moved entire nations. Consider what grace He is trying to deliver in this involuntary pause. Consider the love and grace of our God and how He is always only ever preparing us for what is to come. The light exposes and the silence deafens us. We are running from what will save us and we are refusing to put on the armor that will guard us.

The enemy is not so foolish as to reveal his schemes in ways that are obvious to us. While he may from time to time tempt us with direct defiance or a clear plot, the plan to dilute truth just enough to distract us usually proves more fruitful. Why? Because it’s here that he can keep us satisfied the longest with religious ritual and spiritual “production”. There will come a time very soon where our lives will depend on our true relationship with the Lord—not on our morality or our obedience, on our wisdom, knowledge or gifts. I believe this current time is His gift of preparation – a time to face our fear of the silence and the light.

God is telling us that although there is pain in the sacrifice, it will not be in vain. He is walking us to sure footing. He is securing our salvation. Still, just as God asked the priests to step foot in the Jordan River before he parted it, He is asking us to take a step in faith. Seek the quiet; fight for the stillness. Resist the temptation to produce and instead begin the work of receiving. What we have known as joy is just a glimpse of what He has in store if we will sit with Him and accept His hand on our hearts. We need his eyes to reveal our own humanity to us. We need his ears to hear our own lies. 

Lord, give us these things; we are ready.

-Kristi Rice