WHAT WE ARE LEARNING

As I write here for the first time in 8 weeks please know my silence has not been because of a lack of time or subject. About mid-December I wrote about one-anothering and then I sensed deep in my spirit something closing. I sensed it was the Lord saying not to write again until the new year. Well, for the last 8 years I have started the new year with some form of fast. This year our church family did a 21-day fast and then I felt the Lord asking me for more. So, after doing a Daniel fast (basically fruits and veggies only) for 21 days, the Lord called me into a 9-day liquid only fast. Fasting always brings the greatest God-given clarity and I have learned in my own experience that there are two types of general results that come from corporate fast. (I’m not saying that others don’t exist; I am simply speaking from my personal experiences.)

I love coffee. I love DIY projects. I love creating things from cheap stuff. A few years back all these things collided into my mind in a very Pinterest kind of way. I wanted to create a pour-over setup for a coffee spot in my office. For those that don’t know, that is just basically a stand to hold the filter above the cup. I had been hunting in the woods and found a log of cedar and thought “I will use that!” Thus the project began. A few cuts with the miter saw, drill a big hole, and screw it all together was my thought process. I wasn’t really that far off. After just a little bit of time I had things done, but because I was going really rustic, some of the bark made it wobble a little. So on an unplanned, not-thought-out whim, I put a very small piece under that miter saw to create two legs for the bottom. Well, the next moment is kind of a blur.

I was 24 years old.  It was before I had braces and I was so very embarrassed at how my teeth looked.   I was sitting in the computer room with my wife; we were sitting close together after I had won a computer game against her. I smiled big at her, and she looked at me and said “Get your teeth fixed,  you freak!”  I will never forget it.  I wish I could, but its like a searing hot arrow in my heart and my mind - a pain that lasts and an ugly thought about myself that is like a continual, open sore. 

I have struggled with how to start this post. For those that know me, you know I work best just saying the thing. So here it is: we all struggle with having a healthy sense of identity. The Lord has been teaching me a lot lately about the relationship between identity, calling, and authority. Have you ever thought about this? Your calling is not your identity, and your authority is dependent upon your identity, not your calling. Let me break this down…

It was about 9 years ago.  Anne and I had come through a long, tough season: joining a church staff post-split with many more fractures to come, a miscarriage, a move out of the only city we had ever known into the largest southern baptist church in the nation where, at the time, I was one of 17 student pastors.  We had built a house, had our first child, and felt burnout taking place. We prayed and God miraculously moved us from a church of 56,000 to a town of 56,000. This was a different kind of church that I wasn’t ready for, but still there was something so familiar to this new thing.  Within the first week or so after coming on staff, we found ourselves in a VERY powerful worship service. It was a Sunday night (so my Southern Baptist roots were appeased), we were an hour into a worship service and only 3 songs had been played, and I had just experienced the Lord miraculously healing someone.  As I walked back to my seat soaking with sweat from being huddled with so many believers praying over this lady, I found myself in awe.

Have you ever been really close to a bright light or near an explosion or a gun shot? Have you ever been near the center of a storm where thunder rattles your house, or had a child scream in your ear? Have you ever experienced the intense heat of being near a roaring bonfire?

If you have, then you have experienced one of the fundamental laws of physics that govern the entire known universe. All forms of energy and forces (like sound, light, or an explosion) will diminish over time and distance. A light bulb that blinds you when your eyes are two inches from it is barely visible a mile away. A shot gun will annihilate a tin can from ten feet, but at 300 yards it does nothing. The bonfire that produced so much heat in the first few minutes is cold ash the next day.

Growing up, my dad would say every day when he dropped us off at school, “Remember who you are and whose you are.” My parents divorced during my elementary years, and those car rides ended with my dad. But those words did not. 

 In Romans 8:31 we read, “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

 His love never fails. Nothing can separate us from his unfailing love.  Not time or problems or loss or enemies. Unexpected circumstances, hardships, money problems, lost loved ones - none of these things can separate us from His unfailing love.

Have you ever felt that the hope you once were so full of has run dry? Have you ever felt that the ability to endure it all is no more? I have - in my darkest moments, when those long nights turned into long seasons that never seemed to end. My friend, I want to tell you that those nights did end and some of those things I had hoped for so deeply came to be. Jesus restores us because he loves us so, so very much. Love always hopes. Love always perseveres.  My husband, son, and myself hoped for Baby #2 for six years. When I said I had felt that my hope had run dry, it truly felt that way. My hope was on a roller coaster.

The day I have been thinking about for months, even years, has finally come. It’s time to drop off my first born at kindergarten. He walks in to his new class a little shy, but at the same time brave. He peeks around the cute barnyard themed room full of exciting new things and then finds his name and sits down. He smiles up at his Daddy and I from his tiny chair with bright eyes, excited and so ready. His teacher reads a short story and now it’s time for us to go. As we say goodbye, my heart beats a little faster. When I drive away, the tears come. Since he was born, I have spent every moment of every day doing my best to “always protect” that little guy. I even convince myself I AM the great protector at times. And then - all at once - I’m in my car alone and he’s out there in the world, growing up as my tears stream.

There are moments in life that mark you. They leave their scars on your heart, and every flashback you have of that moment tears away a tiny bit of that scar, threatening to rip it open again. I know you have these scars, and so do I.

I am sitting here on my couch with tears in my eyes after writing that statement. I’d like to think of myself as a cool, calm, and collected individual, but the truth is...I’m just not. Little things set me off and I tend to be dramatic. I’m a short person with probably a shorter fuse. I was honestly a little thrown off that I was led to write on this particular subject. Knowing that writing is a weak spot for me, my husband was intrigued that I volunteered to write a blog. He asked me what it was that made me decide to write. Coming from a place of insecurity, I only “heard” what I wanted to hear.

Love does not envy but I know a thing or two about envy. Envy was my close companion for many years. I always wanted to be a mom. As a child, I played “family” all the time - with or without other kids. And I always had a baby girl when I played. My plan for life was to be a mom and to have a daughter. I lost my mother in a car accident when I was 12. That was probably the time envy and I started up our friendship. I was envious that other girls had their mothers to show them how to put on make-up and deal with boys. Over time, my plan for being a “girl mom” became that much more important to me. I craved that mother-daughter relationship, so I needed to create it.