Fear or wonder
About 8 years ago I came on staff as the High School Pastor at a church in Brandon, MS. I started in January and my boss said “Welcome, you have D-Now in 28 days and nothing is planned.” So off we went. This was how the first 6 months were - basically 6-8 months behind on everything. Once D-Now was finished, the mission trips barely got scheduled, and then there was one major void left. I wanted to connect with my new youth group over the summer, but camps were already booked and I was out of options. So, out of my youthfulness/stupidity came “INSANITY”. The trip to end all trips. 72 hours, 2 theme parks, a major league baseball game and NO HOTELS! Thus the name “Insanity”. We left at midnight and drove through the night to pull up to Six-flags in St Louis just as the park opened. After the park closed, we left there and drove through the night to Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio. Once that park closed, we drove through the night to lunch at the Varsity in Atlanta, attended an afternoon Braves game, and then were home by midnight on day 3! Out of all the stories I could tell you about doing 5 of the top 8 rollercoasters in North America, the thing that I remember most is pulling out of the parking lot that first night. I was 31 years old with one kid and one on the way, but I had a lot of anxiety. I wondered in fear - was up for sleeping on the bus, eating junk food, and riding rollercoasters non stop for the next 72 hours? Would this be any fun or would this be miserable? Out of all the crazy rides I did during those three short days and have done over my life, that moment of wondering if I bit off more than I could chew is the one moment that sticks out. I feel that this is a moment that takes place in our lives almost everyday. Is this a day that God will do things beyond my wildest dreams? Or is this the day the my worst nightmares are lived out?
Fear is a lair and a thief - a liar that makes you wonder if the boogie man is under your bed and a thief that robs your sleep fretting about the boogie man. But, can you see the thin line between wonder and fear? God made our souls curious to wonder. The fork in the road between wonder and fear is so slight that we can sometimes be walking on one with our left foot and the other with our right.
Look at what happens after Jesus calms the storm:
25 He said to them, “Where is your faith?” And they were afraid, and they marveled, saying to one another, “Who then is this, that he commands even winds and water, and they obey him?”
To be afraid and marvel all at the same moment is God-given. Without fear, faith wouldn’t be needed; without faith, fear would be king. It’s like looking at the world’s tallest rollercoaster after eating the theme park hotdog. I am afraid, but I wonder. . . Ok, maybe not exactly like that, but you get the idea.
When dealing with anything in life, it is healthy and wise to view it as a matter of faith. Faith is when the scales are tipped ever so slightly towards wonder versus them leaning largely toward fear. Faith is always blind and fear lives in the dark, but the reason I wonder is to discover the areas that God hasn’t yet revealed. When God illuminates the dark room that I am fearful of, I always find myself in a posture of worship because His grace is so good and my assumptions were so wrong. Faith’s first step is in fear.
What if we started understanding the reality of our humanity and we all just understood that faith’s first step is fear, but every step after it is wonder and amazement.
The teaching aspect of this blog is over but let me be transparent for a moment. I don’t know what next week holds for my own life and often I am stuck on step one. Fear controls me too much. But I am learning to reflect. You see, about a year ago I resigned from a place that I loved with people who mean the world to me to take the largest faith step I have ever taken. Loneliness was there, but it was just for a short moment. Financial strain was there, but once again, it was brief. Reputation and “career” was drastically altered to the point of no return, but that no longer mattered. We all have all felt these deep, hard emotions in faith moments just like these that I would tell you to lean into them, not avoid them. The first step of faith may be in fear, but it is only one step. And it’s a quick one. Just like getting into a seat on a rollercoaster, I lean into the first step of fear, knowing that I won’t be there long. After that first step begins the worlds most incredible ride!!!