As our church has been going through this testimony-based exposition of sorts in 1 Corinthians 13, we have come to this section: “Love does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking”.  When I read these words, I am immediately struck with the feeling that this is a virtual impossibility.  Have you ever stopped to think how “self-seeking” our culture is? In fact, I think that could be the single defining term for the world I see around me today.  And the worst part is - I see it in the church. I see it in myself everyday, friends. And I see it in you too.  

We have been indoctrinated into these beliefs since our infancy: we can do anything we set our minds to.  We can become anything we want to be. If we work hard and apply ourselves, there is nothing we cannot accomplish.  We live in the greatest country in the world and nothing will be impossible for anyone who has a dream and is willing to hustle to make it happen.  We need to eat healthy food and get exercise. We need to get good rest and make sure to floss our teeth and see a dentist regularly. We should set money aside from each paycheck to build up a safety-net savings account.  We should diversify our portfolios. We should make sure we can send our kids to college so they can get good jobs. We should be saving for a comfortable retirement. Take a step back and ask yourself - are these not cultural mantras that boil down to one thing - self?  Self-preservation, self-promotion, and self-gain.

I can’t get away from the concept of “self care” lately.  It’s all over my Instagram feed; it’s used to promote every smell-good feel-good product I see in my inbox.  It’s the hashtag on every sweaty workout post, every feet-in-the-water pedicure post, and every healthy eating kale-chia-celery juice post I see.  It’s the reason people give for new cars, vacations, girls’ nights out, and facials - even mammograms and colonoscopies. “Self-care” is all the rage.  It is current culture’s mature and responsible way to live. It’s the “you have to put on your oxygen mask before you can help someone else put on theirs” mentality.  This is how healthy, balanced people live….or so we’re told.  

Now, please don’t hear me saying that any of these things is categorically wrong or that these things have no place in the life of a believer.  My dad is alive today thanks to the early detection of a colonoscopy. Of course, I understand the importance of exercise, healthy diets, and dentists.  One of my favorite activities in life is going to get a pedicure. And PLEASE, if the cabin of the actual plane you are in de-pressurizes, do put on your oxygen mask first so that you will remain conscious enough to help others.  But getting in your daily workout is simply not the same as that scenario. Getting a pedicure is good for your feet and may help you to relax and clear your mind, but is it really caring for yourself? I don’t know about you, but my needs go way deeper than that.

Have you ever come back from a vacation 10 times more exhausted than you were before?

Have you ever just gone for it, bought the car/truck/boat/whatever, and then hated yourself for it when the shine wore off and the years of payments still stretched out in front of you? 

Have you ever engineered an escape from your parents/wife/husband/kids for a few hours only to come home to realize that you gave up more than you got by forfeiting that time with them?

I know I have.  And I think it all boils down to one thing: We were not made to care for ourselves.  We are fundamentally incapable of effective, lasting self-care.  

Our souls were made specifically to require the care of their Creator.  He is the only one qualified to care for us. All of the means we try to employ to care for ourselves - other than pursuing intimacy and surrender with our Heavenly Father - are simply insufficient.  Our needs are too great. Too deep. Too hidden. Too complex. A night out with the guys or a mom’s night out cannot solve the unresolved tension in our families. God can. A new house or truck or girlfriend or husband cannot solve the empty, needy ache left in our souls from the tragedies or complications of our childhoods.  God can. Working out, eating healthy, and getting in incredible physical shape cannot rehabilitate the dilapidated state of our worn-weary souls. Only God can.   

One of the problems with self-care is that it’s often a Band-Aid on a gaping wound.  We have deep needs and hidden issues, friends. Self-care makes us feel just good enough to keep forging on without ever dealing with our actual issues.  When I desperately need a break from my children, it isn’t an hour wandering around Target that I actually need.  What I really need is to sit with my Father and ask Him to show me what is misfiring in my heart and causing me to be selfish and short-tempered with them.  When my new job begins to feel like just another bad fit in a long line of disappointments, a week off to go to the beach may be fun, but it’s not what I need.  What I need is to seek the Lord’s dream for me and ask Him if I’m spending my days doing something different than what He created me to do.  

The care we need is much harder, deeper work than that which self-care can ever accomplish.  

The other problem with self care is the focus that it betrays.  This one may be obvious, but bear with me: when I am focused on self-care, I am focusing on myself.  This mindset is fundamentally opposite of that which the Jesus-follower is called to have.  Philippians 2 spells this out for us in crystal clear terms: 

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.  And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” - Phil. 2:3-8

According to this passage, I should not be at (or even near) the top of my priority list.  Jesus modeled for us the ultimate life of a servant and this passage makes it clear that He desires for us to imitate this attitude.  Please hear this: Jesus does not tell us to put ourselves last because our needs are not important.  He tells us to put our needs last because making sure our needs are met is not our job.  It’s His.  His plan is to take care of our needs so that we can be used by Him to meet the needs of others.  This is the kingdom-plan. This way, everyone’s needs are met. I am available to live a life focused on fulfilling the needs of my family, neighbors, and community because my needs are being taken care of by my Father.  He cares for me so that I can spend my life caring for others.  This is the life that Jesus modeled for us. This is the life we are called to as believers.  

1 Corinthians 13 makes this truth crystal clear: “Love does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking”.  It strikes like lightning to my soul to consider how often my love is self-seeking. How often is my love limited by my feelings?  How often is my love restricted by my convenience? How often am I the determiner of whether or not I have the time/energy/margin to show love to someone - be it my husband, my children, my parents, my neighbors, or a stranger out in my community?  

All too often, we live meager selfish lives.  We only have so much to give because we spend so much of our lives trying to make sure we’re cared for first.  Oh, friends - this is such folly for the believer. This is a screaming, megaphone-wielding message of our culture that we have bought into hook, line, and sinker.  You and I are weights to our own souls. Our souls were made for dependence, for surrender, for upward and outward focus. Turning inward to self-focus is the equivalent of a tether on a balloon.  It keeps us stuck where we were not intended to live. It keeps us grounded and buffeted by every wind and every little kids’ fist when we were meant for open skies.  

I believe that the Lord will honor and be honored by our humble request that He meet our needs and teach us to focus on the needs of others.  Let’s try following the model of Christ. Let’s entrust our own needs to the only one qualified to meet them. Our Savior sought us so let’s stop seeking ourselves.

Anne Mullins