My Own Worst Enemy **GUEST POST**

2 Corinthians 10:5 (AMP) We are destroying sophisticated arguments and every exalted and proud thing that sets itself against the true knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought and purpose captive to the obedience of Christ…”

My mind is constantly racing, trying to catch up with the thoughts of God. This is where my anxiety spawns, within my mind’s feeble attempts to engage in a battle of wits with the very one who created the mind and its wit. My thoughts are reactions of my flesh and  lead my mind to more of my own thoughts, making pit stops to visit my fears and doubts along the way. This leaves me buried in my own thoughts, scrambling for an answer, desperately grabbing whatever lie seems most convincing. I wrestle with each lie, exhausting my train of thought instead of resting in God’s love. I remain buried in my thoughts, questions, fears, and insecurities. I mask the struggle within  me by staying busy with whatever my flesh chooses which leads to exhaustion of not only my mind but my body as well. I have become my own worst enemy. I am the villain in my story, self destructing from within. Fortunately for me and all of us, I am not the author of my story. I do not hold the pen. GOD, my Father, my creator, He holds the pen. He writes my story. I must stop trying to steal His pen and surrender to The Author.

Within the past year of my life, I can pinpoint quite a few times when I was my own worst enemy by letting my thoughts get the best of me. 2018 has been one long season of change. My husband is going back to school which means I am working full time again. We recently left our church home at Highpoint to join the journey of planting Selah Memphis. My husband was diagnosed with gasteroparesis which required a major lifestyle change. And my son started kindergarten.

When the time came for me to quit my stay at home mom/part time preschool teacher job and go back to full time work, God provided a full time job for me almost instantly. I got a job through a close friend of mine who is a nurse at a fertility clinic, they needed a new front desk person, someone who had excellent people skills. That’s me! I love people and I was already leading in women’s ministry so I was equipped to handle working with a lot of women. How hard could it be?  I killed it at my interview and was hired almost immediately while continuing working at my part time job as a preschool teacher. When the school year ended I went full time at the clinic. My husband took over my duties at home and he exceeded my expectations. He is better at it than I am. The cooking, the cleaning, the kindergarten registration, all of it. Ladies, I never have to do laundry. My man is a good man. You would think this would make it easy for me to transition to full time career woman. NOPE. My life at work was stressful. I spent 10 years of my life (before we had a kid) as a restaurant manager. I have never worked in the medical field. This was NEW territory. You can’t offer someone a free appetizer to make them happy when they are mourning a miscarriage. It is so much more intense than the hospitality industry I was used to and NOTHING like being in women’s ministry. There are no prayer sessions or scripture reading going on to help calm emotions. This was way out of my comfort zone.  I was frazzled all day everyday learning this new environment and all the dang HIPPA policies. I was not grateful, I was pitiful and felt sorry for myself. Work was emotionally exhausting and I had to cut out time in ministry and at home. I couldn’t go to bible study as often and I was missing out on gatherings with my community. I felt ISOLATED so I isolated myself and has a pity party. Until one day, God brought me a gift. A ministry.

A new patient was checking out at the front desk with me, she began telling me her story; she was diagnosed with breast cancer and the chemo would destroy her chances to have children so she was seeking to freeze her embryos before chemo. She asked me my name, and when I told her, her eyes lit up a little. She said that she did a bible study with a lady named Angel who knew me and had mentioned me in their bible studies. A still small voice inside of me said “Pray over her.” I ignored that little voice and continued small talk. The voice persisted, “Pray over her.” Inside my head I was batting the voice away with excuses.’ I can NOT pray over this woman at work.I am still new here. I can get in trouble. It is inappropriate. She will think I am so weird. My coworkers will think I am crazy.’ But the voice did not stop. I wrapped up the conversation and the woman turned to leave and I stopped her. “Ma’am, is it ok if I pray over you?” her eyes, oh her eyes, the light in her eyes. I will never forget how her eyes lit up. “Yes. Please. OH please.” she responded through tear filled eyes. And so I prayed over her at the check out desk. When I opened my eyes, there were patients who walked up behind us as we were praying and they were laying hands on her. PRAISE GOD! I was immediately humbled and convicted. I had been so wrapped up in the WORK of my job, I stopped looking to God for the good works He has set in place. He provided me with a job which means He has more purpose for me at this place than just a paycheck. There is kingdom work to be done. I have prayed over more patients than I can count since then, including a muslim patient who miscarried twins. When I asked this heart broken woman if I could pray over her, she responded “If my God won’t listen, maybe yours will.” And so she and I wept and prayed to a God she had never prayed to before. OBEDIENCE GIVES YOU COURAGE. I am not afraid to ask patients if I can pray for them anymore. In fact, there are a few who now ask me to pray over them regularly before procedures. ALL GLORY TO GOD. He met me where I was, in my isolation, and filled me up with His love so that I may pour into others. It’s not about me. I say that with confidence, “It’s not about me.” because I know His glory is what we were created for and so every thought we take captive should be for His glory.

My dear family, please listen to me; your thoughts are just as powerful as your prayers. Take captive EVERY thought. When you feel compelled to ask “Why God? I don’t understand! Why God?” simply say, “Thank you, God. I trust you. I don’t understand but I trust you.” This redirects your thoughts to rest in His promises instead of trying to figure it all out based on your own thoughts. I have seen prayers answered at this fertility clinic, I also have patients who are still waiting for those prayers to be answered, and I won’t stop praying with them and over them until those prayers are answered. Our God, The Waymaker, The Miracle Worker, The Promise Keeper, The Light in the darkness, He never stops working. Even when we don’t see it, He’s working. Even when we don’t feel it, He is working. So no matter what you see, what you feel, do not let your thoughts deceive you into believing He is not where you are. Never let your thoughts deceive you into believing He doesn’t have purpose for you where you are. Take captive every thought and turn it into prayer. Those inward thoughts that you turn into inward prayers will eventually become outward expressions of worship in the form of serving God’s children.

I will leave you with this one bit of advice from my personal experience in obedience to His still small voice AKA The Holy Spirit; that still small voice will often be the one telling you to do something that is out of your comfort zone. Do not ask why, just say “Thank you, Lord. I trust you.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways” declares The Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

Toni Wardlow - Selah Memphis Launch Team